Oh, this day. Such a loaded, emotional day in so many ways. But, it's also a day that I get to talk to you so that makes it a little better. I only wish we could do it over a cup of coffee.
It is hard to imagine that it's been 25 years since I last saw you. It was a day that started just like any other but ended with your last breath. I spent years wondering what would be different; how I would be different. Where would I be. I know now that it doesn't matter because I'm here, now. And as much as I'd like to take an eraser and rewrite yesteryear. I can't. So, Dad, how do I write my tomorrow?
I've been doing well, having more good days than bad; but it's been a struggle as of late. It's times and days like these a little girl could really use a hug from her dad. But there is no time for boo-hoo's, right? It's time to figure out what's next.
I was going through an old picture box a few months ago and found a picture of you and Mom from our trip to the Bahamas. You two had such smiles on your faces! I loved it so much I framed it and put it where I can see it always. I don't have a lot of memories, but some of my favorite ones are ones with you. I only wish we had more time to have made some more.
There I go....wishing again.
So, before the waterworks start, I'm going to say goodbye for now. I only ask you watch over me. I have some decisions to make and could use a little fatherly help.
Give Rex a hug and kiss for me. I do miss my old man.
Love you, miss you,
Me
Showing posts with label Dad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dad. Show all posts
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Dear Dad,
I know, I know...I'm a couple days late. Even though I enjoy it, I find it very hard to sit down and write these days. Also, well Dad, I owe you an apology. I almost forgot. It wasn't until I was sitting in a meeting on Friday that I realized what the date was. Usually at some point I can see this day coming up on the calendar. Then again...you didn't really give me a "reminder" this year. It's been a while since you've come to visit.
It's been a challenging year. I thought I had hit my stride again and then WHAMMO. I had to start all over again. It's good though; I made it through and I think I'm doing pretty well for myself. I finally graduated from college with honors, moved to a quiet and wonderful neighborhood; I found an awesome new job with so much opportunity to learn and grow and I've met some amazing people and made some fantastic friends in the process.
But I do miss you, still. I'm getting better at handling change, but it would be so much easier if you were here. To sit down over a cup of coffee...do you realize that we never had the chance to do that? Thinking back, we never did really "chat." I was too much of a teenager I guess. HAHA! Though now that I think of it, I don't think I'm much of a chatterbox anyway!
Once again I find myself at a loss of words, so I'll cut this short. I hope Rex is well and fitting in with everyone, I'm sure you've been taking good care of him. Please give him a hug and scratch behind his ears for us. Tell him Sampson is doing well and is taking very good care of me. He saved my life this year; Rex taught him well!
Until next year.
Don't be a stranger; let me know you're still watching over.
Love you, miss you,
Me
It's been a challenging year. I thought I had hit my stride again and then WHAMMO. I had to start all over again. It's good though; I made it through and I think I'm doing pretty well for myself. I finally graduated from college with honors, moved to a quiet and wonderful neighborhood; I found an awesome new job with so much opportunity to learn and grow and I've met some amazing people and made some fantastic friends in the process.
But I do miss you, still. I'm getting better at handling change, but it would be so much easier if you were here. To sit down over a cup of coffee...do you realize that we never had the chance to do that? Thinking back, we never did really "chat." I was too much of a teenager I guess. HAHA! Though now that I think of it, I don't think I'm much of a chatterbox anyway!
Once again I find myself at a loss of words, so I'll cut this short. I hope Rex is well and fitting in with everyone, I'm sure you've been taking good care of him. Please give him a hug and scratch behind his ears for us. Tell him Sampson is doing well and is taking very good care of me. He saved my life this year; Rex taught him well!
Until next year.
Don't be a stranger; let me know you're still watching over.
Love you, miss you,
Me
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Dear Dad,
Another year has flown by.
I never know what this day will bring, where I'll be or how I'll be feeling about it. Heck, I guess that goes with every day! And I guess with everything I write, I never quite know what I want to say to you. I just start writing and let whatever happens to be inside just flow through my fingers and out onto the keyboard.
I'll be honest, today kinda crept up on me. It shouldn't have though. You came to me about a month ago. I was at a small concert and this band played a song that I thought you would have liked. You would have liked the band, the music, and I felt you there, just for a moment and then you were gone. You used to come to me right before this day years ago. It's been a while. In fact, I was really mad at you last year for that. So thank you for the visit. I needed it :)
So much has changed; both good and bad. I wish you were here to see it, to be a part of it. I wish you were here to talk to, to help me understand things that are beyond my comprehension; things only a dad could tell his little girl.
I find that I've been quite reflective lately. I don't really know why. I've been asking weird questions. You know, the kind of questions that there really aren't any answers for. Like.... I know everyone comes into your life at the precise moment they were meant to for a reason. I truly believe that. But I find that I've been really analyzing this, trying to figure out the reasons why people have come into my life. What was I supposed to learn from them, what was I supposed to take away from that interaction or relationship, etc. And then I start wondering, well if they came into my life, I was meant to come into their life as well, right? Well, why? Stupid questions, yes. I acknowledge this. I should just accept it and move on.....
So then I move to; well they came into my life, why did they leave it? And why did they choose to make their exit in the manner in which they did? You left, but I know you couldn't help that. You would have stayed if you could. And I guess that's one of many reasons why I wish you were here, to offer some fatherly insight. Some of it makes sense, but some of it baffles me. Dad, how can some people pretend I never existed? I guess this is such a foreign concept to me because I'm just not built that way. But I also realize I'm not in their shoes, I'm not experiencing all that they are. I don't know the inner workings of their mind or their heart, it's not fair of me to try to make any of my own conclusions. All I can rightfully do is accept it, respect it and because I'm me, always leave a line open to them.
I look at our pictures often. I close my eyes and try to remember your voice. Unfortunately, that's a memory that has faded over these 23 years.
I love you, Dad. I miss you. Come visit more often. I want to hear you laugh. That big 'ol belly laugh you used to do! Check in on me once in a while. I've got some big things coming up you won't want to miss!
Love always,
your pigwart
I never know what this day will bring, where I'll be or how I'll be feeling about it. Heck, I guess that goes with every day! And I guess with everything I write, I never quite know what I want to say to you. I just start writing and let whatever happens to be inside just flow through my fingers and out onto the keyboard.
I'll be honest, today kinda crept up on me. It shouldn't have though. You came to me about a month ago. I was at a small concert and this band played a song that I thought you would have liked. You would have liked the band, the music, and I felt you there, just for a moment and then you were gone. You used to come to me right before this day years ago. It's been a while. In fact, I was really mad at you last year for that. So thank you for the visit. I needed it :)
So much has changed; both good and bad. I wish you were here to see it, to be a part of it. I wish you were here to talk to, to help me understand things that are beyond my comprehension; things only a dad could tell his little girl.
I find that I've been quite reflective lately. I don't really know why. I've been asking weird questions. You know, the kind of questions that there really aren't any answers for. Like.... I know everyone comes into your life at the precise moment they were meant to for a reason. I truly believe that. But I find that I've been really analyzing this, trying to figure out the reasons why people have come into my life. What was I supposed to learn from them, what was I supposed to take away from that interaction or relationship, etc. And then I start wondering, well if they came into my life, I was meant to come into their life as well, right? Well, why? Stupid questions, yes. I acknowledge this. I should just accept it and move on.....
So then I move to; well they came into my life, why did they leave it? And why did they choose to make their exit in the manner in which they did? You left, but I know you couldn't help that. You would have stayed if you could. And I guess that's one of many reasons why I wish you were here, to offer some fatherly insight. Some of it makes sense, but some of it baffles me. Dad, how can some people pretend I never existed? I guess this is such a foreign concept to me because I'm just not built that way. But I also realize I'm not in their shoes, I'm not experiencing all that they are. I don't know the inner workings of their mind or their heart, it's not fair of me to try to make any of my own conclusions. All I can rightfully do is accept it, respect it and because I'm me, always leave a line open to them.
I look at our pictures often. I close my eyes and try to remember your voice. Unfortunately, that's a memory that has faded over these 23 years.
I love you, Dad. I miss you. Come visit more often. I want to hear you laugh. That big 'ol belly laugh you used to do! Check in on me once in a while. I've got some big things coming up you won't want to miss!
Love always,
your pigwart
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Where would we be?
Dear Dad,
This day. I'll be honest. I really don't like this day. Each year this day comes, and it opens up a flood gate that I keep locked up pretty tight. And when the gate opens, it's anyone's guess how I'll react to it.
This year I feel angry, and sad, and left wondering where would we be.
22 years ago on this day, you left me. I know you didn't want to and I know you didn't mean to, but you did all the same.
I'm mad at you for missing everything. My graduation, my failed attempts at higher education, broken hearts, the failures and the triumphs. You missed it. All of it. And I know people say, "he saw, he was there with you and he's with you now" No. No you weren't and you're still not. I needed you here. On this Earth. And I do now more than ever. I don't intend to be hurtful, but I do need to be truthful. I love you Dad, but right now, at this moment I'm very mad at you for that.
And I'm so very sad too. I'm sad I don't remember your voice. I'm sad I don't have a lot of memories to relive. I'm sad that you left before I could know you and before you could know me. I'm sad that you left before you could share your knowledge and experience with me, to help mold me into the person you believed I could be. Where would we be? Where would we be if we had that chance? What would I have done? What would I have accomplished? Was I meant for some other life before you left so suddenly? Would I have learned from you to be more confident in my choices and decisions? Would I have been stronger in my convictions?
Where would we be?
So, today I will wish and wonder what might have been. And tomorrow, I will once again lock up the gate.
This day. I'll be honest. I really don't like this day. Each year this day comes, and it opens up a flood gate that I keep locked up pretty tight. And when the gate opens, it's anyone's guess how I'll react to it.
This year I feel angry, and sad, and left wondering where would we be.
22 years ago on this day, you left me. I know you didn't want to and I know you didn't mean to, but you did all the same.
I'm mad at you for missing everything. My graduation, my failed attempts at higher education, broken hearts, the failures and the triumphs. You missed it. All of it. And I know people say, "he saw, he was there with you and he's with you now" No. No you weren't and you're still not. I needed you here. On this Earth. And I do now more than ever. I don't intend to be hurtful, but I do need to be truthful. I love you Dad, but right now, at this moment I'm very mad at you for that.
And I'm so very sad too. I'm sad I don't remember your voice. I'm sad I don't have a lot of memories to relive. I'm sad that you left before I could know you and before you could know me. I'm sad that you left before you could share your knowledge and experience with me, to help mold me into the person you believed I could be. Where would we be? Where would we be if we had that chance? What would I have done? What would I have accomplished? Was I meant for some other life before you left so suddenly? Would I have learned from you to be more confident in my choices and decisions? Would I have been stronger in my convictions?
Where would we be?
So, today I will wish and wonder what might have been. And tomorrow, I will once again lock up the gate.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Words for Wednesday
And when we have remembered everything,
We grow afraid of what we may forget.
A face, a voice, a smile? A birthday? An anniversary?
No need to fear forgetting, because the heart remembers always.
- Sascha Wagner
Happy Birthday Dad.
We grow afraid of what we may forget.
A face, a voice, a smile? A birthday? An anniversary?
No need to fear forgetting, because the heart remembers always.
- Sascha Wagner
Happy Birthday Dad.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Dear Dad,
I haven't written or spoke to you in awhile. And to be honest, I don't think about you as much as I used to. I don't know why. I guess I've just been busy with life? I do miss you though. You'd be 68 today...
I really don't like this date. 9/11/1991. 9/11/2001. It's 5:30 p.m. on 9/11/2011 and so far all's quiet and I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Dad...do you think maybe you could talk to the Big Guy Upstairs and ask him to make something absolutely wonderful and happy happen on this date? Something that can erase all the sad?
Anyway. I just wanted to write and say hi. I love you and miss you. Maybe you can visit me sometime when I'm sleeping...I could really use a hug.
Love you lots,
Your Pigwart
I really don't like this date. 9/11/1991. 9/11/2001. It's 5:30 p.m. on 9/11/2011 and so far all's quiet and I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Dad...do you think maybe you could talk to the Big Guy Upstairs and ask him to make something absolutely wonderful and happy happen on this date? Something that can erase all the sad?
Anyway. I just wanted to write and say hi. I love you and miss you. Maybe you can visit me sometime when I'm sleeping...I could really use a hug.
Love you lots,
Your Pigwart
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