Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Where would we be?

Dear Dad,
This day.  I'll be honest.  I really don't like this day.  Each year this day comes, and it opens up a flood gate that I keep locked up pretty tight.  And when the gate opens, it's anyone's guess how I'll react to it.

This year I feel angry, and sad, and left wondering where would we be.
22 years ago on this day, you left me.  I know you didn't want to and I know you didn't mean to, but you did all the same.

I'm mad at you for missing everything.  My graduation, my failed attempts at higher education, broken hearts, the failures and the triumphs.  You missed it.  All of it. And I know people say, "he saw, he was there with you and he's with you now"  No.  No you weren't and you're still not.  I needed you here.  On this Earth.  And I do now more than ever.  I don't intend to be hurtful, but I do need to be truthful.  I love you Dad, but right now, at this moment I'm very mad at you for that.

And I'm so very sad too.  I'm sad I don't remember your voice.  I'm sad I don't have a lot of memories to relive. I'm sad that you left before I could know you and before you could know me.  I'm sad that you left before you could share your knowledge and experience with me, to help mold me into the person you believed I could be.  Where would we be?  Where would we be if we had that chance?  What would I have done?  What would I have accomplished?  Was I meant for some other life before you left so suddenly?  Would I have learned from you to be more confident in my choices and decisions?  Would I have been stronger in my convictions?

Where would we be?

So, today I will wish and wonder what might have been.  And tomorrow, I will once again lock up the gate.

No comments: