Wednesday, November 30, 2011

This has got to stop...

This incessant eating.  It must end.  And what is scary is that I'm stuffing my face with whatever edible thing I can find.  It's no particular craving.  I'm not particularly hungry.  And what's even scarier?  I'm not walking or lifting weights; I'm not cycling, swimming or running (sadly).  I'm sitting on my arse in front of stupid (but I love them) television shows and LOADING MY FREAKING FACE LIKE A CHIPMUNK WITH ITS CHEEKS PUFFED OUT.

It's time to take a step back and evaluate.  I need to figure out why I'm doing this to myself.  It's not like it makes me feel good.  It makes me feel the complete opposite.  I feel like I've let myself down.  And the guilt...don't forget about the guilt.  But this I pledge to you.  I will NOT go back to that size 18 pant.  I will NOT let myself be tempted by the temporary euphoria food gives me; it's not real.  What is real is how good I felt when I was active and eating healthy; how confident I was and how I felt I could take on the world.

Tomorrow is December 1.  Tomorrow is a new day and a new month.  Tomorrow I will fight to get myself back.  This I pledge:

  • food logs will resume
  • workouts will resume
  • lots of water will be drunk
  • meals will be cooked at home
  • no junk food will enter the threshold
  • I will forego the Christmas cookie bake-a-thon
  • I will remain honest about my progress
  • I will hold myself accountable
  • I will succeed.

Friday, November 25, 2011

"Gobble, Gobble, Gobble, Gobble"

Thanksgiving.  What a wonderful holiday!  It is a day we all should take a moment and reflect on our good fortunes and give thanks for all we have been given.  It is sad however, that with many of the other holidays we celebrate, the true meaning gets a little lost.  Instead of a day of thanks, it has become a day when gluttony runs rampant and is accepted.  And we all participate.  Present company included.  And for those of us trying to trim down, eat healthy and/ or meet our "goal weight"... resistance is futile. The battle is lost before it even begins.  We say to's just one day.  What can one day hurt?  But one day turns into leftovers the next day, and before you know it, we are fully immersed into our food addiction again.

I had a wonderful day with my husband's family.  Lots of laughs, some tears (Granny always seems to make us cry when giving the Blessing), wonderful food.  Oh my goodness, the food.

(note:  I don't think it's a coincidence that turkeys say "gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble."  It's like they are telling us what to do.  And we listen.  We listen to the turkeys...)

After our first round of vittles around 1:00 pm and a cup of coffee, we recover and what do we do?  WE KEEP EATING!  Even though there is no room left in our little tummies, we keep stuffing it in.  And then, what do we do?  WE EAT AGAIN!  Golly.  Why on earth do we do this to ourselves?  Yes, it tastes oh so good...but it makes us feel oh so sick.  Then, the only "thanks" we are offering is "thanks" no one vomited on the dining room table (I know, gross, but you know I'm telling the truth!).

And then we have what I call "The Day After Guilt."  You know what I mean.  Let's just call it what it was...we just had a one night stand with food.  You ask yourself, "OMG, what did I do?"

What did you do?  You listened to the turkeys....

Monday, November 14, 2011

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Trim the Fat

When I was driving into work a morning or so ago, I had a revelation.

Autumn has always been my favorite time of year.  Cool, crisp days.  Cinnamon donuts with apple cider.  And the changing leaves.  Oh the leaves!  As deep as fire and as bright as the sun.  The leaves just might be my favorite thing about autumn.  So why haven't I seen them this year?  Yes, I noticed they were changing, but I failed to actually SEE it.  How can that happen?

I tell you how.  I've been so wrapped up in life that I've forgotten to Do Life.  Sometimes you just need to take a step back and re-evaluate what it is you actually want....and trim the fat!  I had so much going on, I think I've lost track of what it was I really want and what I need to do to get there.

I was taking a water cardio and a water jogging class to help me get used to the water before I started to learn how to swim.  Then I started swimming lessons.  So, I've been trying to do both with limited time and limited pool access; and getting so overwhelmed that I was stressing myself out so much I wouldn't do either.  I was ashamed that I always had to tell my swimming instructor that I haven't been able to practice the drills she gave me.  So, I stepped back and looked at what I was really trying to accomplish.  I want to swim.  I won't get better if I can't invest the time or focus.  So, I made a decision. I dropped the water classes.  Hopefully this will allow me to get the practice time in I need in the limited time frame I'm allowed.  We'll see, but I already feel better.

This past week was registration for next semester's classes.  I registered for 3 classes, putting me in Charlotte at 3:30-9:15 pm on Tuesdays, 6:30-9:15 on Wednesday and 3:30-4:45 on Thursday.  Plus working, plus running/training, plus....there are a lot of pluses!  This morning I looked at the schedule.  And it's like I saw it for the first time.  And then I said...."Am I sane?  Do you realize what you're about to do to yourself?"  I logged into the registration site and said, "goodbye Tuesday/Thursday 3:30 class!"
Note:  keep your fingers crossed that it's offered again at a reasonable time slot in the future....I really wanted to take that class...

There are definitely things that suck that you need to suffer through.  But there is a lot going on in my life that may not be a necessary hell.  You can bet your bottom dollar that I'll be taking a good look at what else I can trim, and not just from my waist line!



It's amazing, really.  I've seen myself change, improve, over the course of only a few months.  I can't express how pleased I am with my own progress. I became stronger, trimmer, faster......happier.  And now, I have to admit to you all that I have not continued with my pursuit of health and happiness.  My journey of re-discovery has come to a screeching halt.

About 3 weeks ago, I came down with a simple head cold.  No bother, I thought.  I'll be better in a few days.  The following week, it got worse and to add to it, I was on vacation.  Those are two big strikes against what little motivation I had.  This week...week #3, I'm still sitting on my butt.  So, what's my problem?

I'm struggling.  I'm struggling to get back into it.  I'm struggling to find joy in anything, let alone getting up at 5am for a strength workout or a speed run.  I'm struggling.  I'm scared.  I don't want to revert back to who I was, because I was really beginning to like, no, love, who I was becoming.

So how.  How do I find it in me?  How do I start back?

Scary times, folks.  Scary times.