Monday, February 24, 2014

Ripping off band-aids

Apologies in advance for the following negativity.  I don't do it often but I ask that you allow a girl a second to get something off her chest.  She'll be alright, she just needs a venting moment and this is honestly the only outlet she's got.

It's hard when band-aids are ripped from fresh wounds.

You're going along, laughing and smiling, almost feeling normal, almost feeling like your old happy self.  And then something happens and it just hits you in the face, kicks you in the gut.  And then you're just left standing there with a deer-in-the-headlights kinda look.  You're standing there, trying to breathe, trying to move but you're paralyzed.  It's such an irritating contradiction because you know the right decisions were made.  You know you are where you need to be; standing on your own two feet, focusing on yourself and trying to move forward.

And then the second blow occurs, so then you can multiply everything x2.  Dammit.

You try to talk about it, but no one quite gets it.  Hell, you don't even understand.  So you're standing alone, trying to make sense of it all.

You start asking yourself questions that you know you will never get an answer to.  Old questions like, where did we go wrong?  What was the precise moment?  Would things be different if we made a different choice all those years ago?
And then new questions like what do you do when the person you made your entire life has completely erased you from their existence?  And why?  What was it that you did to make this person detest you so much that they can't even say thank you when you offer your sincerest wishes of happiness, let alone wish you the same in return?  You've shared years and years together, how did you end up meaning so little to them?

And it's not like the answers are going to help you either.  They won't make it any less painful, so why bother even wondering?

And you curse yourself again because you can't help it.

And just like that you're back on the roller coaster.

Folks, I'm ready to get off this ride.

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