Another year has flown by.
I never know what this day will bring, where I'll be or how I'll be feeling about it. Heck, I guess that goes with every day! And I guess with everything I write, I never quite know what I want to say to you. I just start writing and let whatever happens to be inside just flow through my fingers and out onto the keyboard.
I'll be honest, today kinda crept up on me. It shouldn't have though. You came to me about a month ago. I was at a small concert and this band played a song that I thought you would have liked. You would have liked the band, the music, and I felt you there, just for a moment and then you were gone. You used to come to me right before this day years ago. It's been a while. In fact, I was really mad at you last year for that. So thank you for the visit. I needed it :)
So much has changed; both good and bad. I wish you were here to see it, to be a part of it. I wish you were here to talk to, to help me understand things that are beyond my comprehension; things only a dad could tell his little girl.
I find that I've been quite reflective lately. I don't really know why. I've been asking weird questions. You know, the kind of questions that there really aren't any answers for. Like.... I know everyone comes into your life at the precise moment they were meant to for a reason. I truly believe that. But I find that I've been really analyzing this, trying to figure out the reasons why people have come into my life. What was I supposed to learn from them, what was I supposed to take away from that interaction or relationship, etc. And then I start wondering, well if they came into my life, I was meant to come into their life as well, right? Well, why? Stupid questions, yes. I acknowledge this. I should just accept it and move on.....
So then I move to; well they came into my life, why did they leave it? And why did they choose to make their exit in the manner in which they did? You left, but I know you couldn't help that. You would have stayed if you could. And I guess that's one of many reasons why I wish you were here, to offer some fatherly insight. Some of it makes sense, but some of it baffles me. Dad, how can some people pretend I never existed? I guess this is such a foreign concept to me because I'm just not built that way. But I also realize I'm not in their shoes, I'm not experiencing all that they are. I don't know the inner workings of their mind or their heart, it's not fair of me to try to make any of my own conclusions. All I can rightfully do is accept it, respect it and because I'm me, always leave a line open to them.
I look at our pictures often. I close my eyes and try to remember your voice. Unfortunately, that's a memory that has faded over these 23 years.
I love you, Dad. I miss you. Come visit more often. I want to hear you laugh. That big 'ol belly laugh you used to do! Check in on me once in a while. I've got some big things coming up you won't want to miss!